


over you

by sirensongs (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Niam - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-03 15:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sirensongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry never expected things to turn out the way they did. He never thought anything of Eleanor and Louis' relationship. He never thought he'd be one to tell people to cherish what they had, because a good thing goes unnoticed before it's gone. He never thought that love could be real and he never thought it would be so strong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo! This was my first Larry fanfic. I wrote it back around April of 2012 and I did NOT know what I was doing! I still don't think it's terrible but there's totally a noticeable shift in my writing abilities from then to now. I hope you guys enjoy it. Being my first story it holds a special place in my heart! (Originally posted to my tumblr. Stating this to avoid accusations of theft!)

Harry stood from his stool and saw the lights shining down on him. They had been shining down on him the whole time, but just at that moment as the guitar started to play in the background and he saw Niall strumming, he felt the lights on him, judging him, heavier than they had been before.

The crowd was silent. He could see some girls in the front row, they were easily as old as he was, old Directioners, they were crying and wearing t-shirts that were too small. Obviously from when they were teenagers. They were just sobbing. 

“Weatherman said, it’s gonna snow. By now I should,” Harry almost choked on his words. No, he reminded himself, I have to do this. “Be used to the cold.”

Niall carefully hid the tears on his face as he kept his head down in the background and picked away at the strings. The crowd clapped a little. Harry and Niall can remember when they first played this venue, it was the happiest moment of their lives to that point: Madison Square Garden.

“Mid February shouldn’t be so scary, it was only December I still remember,” Harry’s heart was gone, or it was just numb. He couldn’t feel it anymore because of the pain. How could he anyway? “The presents, the tree...”

Harry felt hot tears streaming down his face. “You... And me.” 

He clutched his stomach, feeling the distinctive fabric of the blazer he hadn’t worn in five years. Twenty four years old, standing on the stage he had to blink up at the ceiling and remind himself that it was all okay. 

“But you went away, how dare you, I miss you.” Harry was fighting with everything he had to just sing the words. “They say I’ll be okay, but I’m not going to ever get over you.”


	2. Chapter One

“Swagmaster from Doncaster,” Louis corrected, holding up his index finger and squeezing his mouse-like face together. “Really it’s swagmasta but I figure you’re still having a hard time keeping it anything but proper.”

Harry laughed, he loved that little cheek Louis gave. “Oh, is that it? Sorry. What am I, then?”

Louis pursed his lips, throwing his legs over Harry’s on the couch. “Oh, I dunno... I’d say you’re the Cheshire Cat.” He was laying across the couch, his head resting on the arm while Harry sat properly, the way a couch was meant to be sat on, of course.

“No way!” Harry chuckled, leaning over and grabbing a piece of chocolate from a table where his legs were propped up. 

“Look a bit like a cat, don’t you think?” He poked at Harry’s cheek, giggling. “An adorable little cat, of course.”

Harry smirked, “Oh, right, Lou.”

“Hey guys,” Eleanor’s dark brown hair covered Louis’ face as she leaned down into a kiss.

Harry looked away awkwardly before nodding and smiling to her.

“What’s up?” Harry asked, nonchalantly. He ran his hand over his own hair. Why did Louis have to pick her chocolate brown curly locks over his?

Eleanor sat down on the coffee table. She was wearing a rather short dress and high heels, upon crossing her legs Harry watched Louis’ eyes, feeling relieved that they didn’t seem to admire her girlish figure.

“I was thinking we should do lunch,” Eleanor said, looking down at her Blackberry through her oversized Chanel sunglasses, “Lou,” She finished.

Harry smiled, nodding, awesome. So he was being excluded again, but that was fine, perfectly acceptable... 

“Harry best come,” Louis said, sitting up and patting his shoulder. “The other boys are already out to eat so I wouldn’t want to have him fend for himself.”

Eleanor shot Harry a dirty look, well, he figured it was dirty but her eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses. “That’s fine,” She said, her pink lipstick endowed lips peeling back to reveal her perfect pearly whites.

Eleanor held out her hand, French manicured fingers wrapped around Louis’ and pulled him up off the couch. Harry watched with a sense of longing but quickly stood from the couch himself. 

“What was that?” Harry asked, as Eleanor’s phone made an odd beeping noise. The three were walking down the parking garage of the studio, to where Louis’ driver would take them to wherever Eleanor had planned lunch.

“Oh, Sugarscape’s new app,” Eleanor told him. “Seriously, since Niall and Liam confirmed their...”

Louis laughed, “Relationship.”

Eleanor shrugged, “Yeah, it’s been blowing up. It’s been, like, a month and people are still obsessed with them...”

“Just as much as they are with us...” Louis said, poking Eleanor’s arm and looking away from Harry’s eyes.

“Yeah, but they’re... Gay...” Eleanor squeaked. “I mean I love them... Separately. I just don’t get it.”

Harry furrowed his brow, “You don’t get what?”

“I mean, Harry and Caroline, that was sort of weird,” Eleanor said, holding out her hand, “No offence Harry.”

Harry took none. Caroline was the judge who helped him more than anyone. The woman who could tell something was bothering him. Who took extra time to be there for him, to help him come out to his parents, to realize that he had real feelings for Louis.

“Right,” Harry said laughing. Louis gave him a half smile, which really just wreaked of apology.

Eleanor continued. “Just, two guys or two girls together doesn’t make sense.”

“Dunno,” Louis said. “I mean if they’re happy.”

Harry saw Louis look to him, and so he averted his gaze, his eye brows straining. Why would Louis look to him? Maybe he was just seeing if he agreed. That had to be it. “Yeah, definitely.” Harry mumbled. 

Louis and Eleanor held hands as they walked. With Louis to Eleanor’s left and Harry to her right. There were no people in the elevator of the garage, so thankfully they wouldn’t have to sign anything. 

“It’s not natural,” Eleanor explained. “It’s just not right,” She continued as Harry pushed the button in the elevator and felt himself feel angry and confused and sad and hot and cold all at the same time. He didn’t think anybody really thought like that anymore.

Louis rolled his eyes, “All right, Eleanor stop.”

“What? Are you, like, okay with gay people?” Eleanor slammed her fingers against her blackberry keys and shook her head, “Don’t tell me you’re gay.”

Louis scoffed, “Eleanor, just quit. It doesn’t matter. And I’m not gay.”

Eleanor nodded, “I know, I was kidding.”

Harry looked at himself in the mirror of the elevator. How could he ever come out to his friends? Before long Eleanor would probably have Louis thinking the same way she did. And then what? He’d lose his best friend? He’d lose the only boy he’d ever felt like he loved?

“We should be happy for Liam and Niall, though,” Harry mentioned. Eleanor’s hair whipped around, hitting Louis in the face. She didn’t say anything, she just kept her face pointed at Harry before shrugging and continuing on her phone.

Harry watched sadly as the elevator door opened and Louis let go of Eleanor’s hand only to place it lightly on her back. While Louis guided Eleanor from the elevator he looked back to Harry and raised his eyebrows, inhaling deeply and shaking his head. That happened a lot when the three of them were together. Eleanor would do or say something that Louis would apologize for later.

A black town car was waiting for them as they rounded a corner in the parking garage. The driver turned to Louis, “Where will we be going?”

Louis looked to Eleanor, “Elle?”

“Oh, right!” Eleanor squealed. “I have the address written down,” she mumbled, turning to open her gigantic brown leather purse. While she did her phone flew out of her hand, tumbling down onto the cement of the garage.

Harry knelt down to get it for her, mumbling that he would get it, but she quickly was squatting and slapped her hand down on it, and that’s when everything hit Harry like a ton of bricks. Like everything he’d ever hoped or dreamed was shot down. Like there was nothing left to wish for. Like it was all over. 

No breath escaped Harry’s lips and his stomach felt sickened, like it was suddenly upside down. 

There, perched perfectly on Eleanor’s left hand: A diamond engagement ring.


	3. Chapter Two

Harry was sat in the car on the way home from lunch, looking at Louis and Eleanor laughing at something on his phone. 

Louis was twenty one years old. Why was he doing this to himself? Maybe Harry was wrong all along. Maybe there wasn’t anything going on. The fact that Louis and Eleanor had both neglected to say anything about the ring made Harry feel even shittier.

The whole lunch Eleanor managed to keep her ring from Harry’s sight, though Harry was trying quite hard to avoid seeing it. He wasn’t himself.

In all honesty the last time Harry felt this way was a memory that remained as clear as day: After he’d completely ruined the performance. Fucked it up. Everyone said he didn’t but he felt like he did. And then those tweets about how he was total shit. 

That should’ve been the past. It was the past. But that was the last time Harry’s stomach felt like it was twisting and turning and he felt like he just wanted to lie in bed and not move or do anything...

Harry could only think of a time when he was absolutely sure Louis had feelings for him.

He was seventeen and Louis was twenty, the boys were all drinking and playing around and Harry’s birthday was relatively soon. They decided that, in their hotel room, it would be funny to play a game of spin the bottle.

Liam and Niall would spin the bottle and every single time it would force them to kiss. Big surprise, of course. 

So when Harry would have his turn he’d say he’d pass and strip an article of clothing. There was just something wrong about it. It was weird, though. Zayn would only strip, so would Louis, and Niall and Liam would only kiss each other. It was hardly a proper game of spin the bottle.

And then it all changed when Louis decided he’d spin and Harry could swear he saw Louis chanting something and then looking relieved as the bottle quit spinning, pointed right to Harry across from him.

“Oh, Hazz!” Louis said, laughing. He leaned over and grabbed Harry by the nape of his neck, pulling him in.

Harry might have been drunk but he could feel the pleasure in Louis’ kiss and he could still remember it even as he considered the fact that the night that happened had never come up in conversation ever again. Was that kiss merely for the game? Really? Harry was gutted to think so.

Finally Harry and Louis were left alone back on the couch where they’d been joking around before Eleanor came.

Eleanor just brought Harry unhappiness. Just like that, he was having the best time with Louis and just enjoying everything properly and then Eleanor had to come over and in the two hours he spent with her everything he ever loved or hoped for in the world was destroyed.

Harry wanted to kick himself for sounding like such a selfish ass. He was famous as hell, he was making heaps of money, and he could honestly have anyone he wanted. But not really. He only wanted one person, anyway. The cheeky swagmasta from Doncasta. But that couldn’t even happen, could it?

Louis clicked on the TV, lying across the couch and kicking his legs over Harry’s lap again. 

Harry could see Louis studying him from his peripheral vision. “What is it, Hazz?”

Harry shrugged, “Dunno just tired, I reckon.”

“Bullshit,” Louis urged. “What is it? Are you okay? You know you can talk to me,” He said, seriously. “I’m always here to talk, Harry, you know that.”

 

Harry could cry just thinking about how far he and Louis had come only to have this come between them. “I really thought so, Lou.”

“You thought so? The hell’s that supposed to mean?” Louis sat up, eyeing Harry more intensely. “Come on, mate, won’t you spit it out?”

Harry shook his head, “What’s the use?”

“What’s the use going on like this? Whatever is bothering you isn’t gonna go away if you just keep it all bottled up,” Lou insisted. “Is it something I’ve done, then? Why don’t you think you can talk to me?” His concern was almost rising to anger but Harry had heard Louis’ voice shake like this many times before, it was the sincerest Louis could be, and knowing that led Harry to feel sorry for being so rude.

“It’s just that I’ve seen Eleanor’s engagement ring,” Harry mumbled, trying to avoid Louis’ face but he couldn’t help but look. Louis brought his right hand to his forehead and he was massaging it. “I just thought at least you’d tell me.”

Louis frowned, “I’m really sorry. I meant to tell you at lunch today but she wouldn’t let me. I wanted you to find out in a nice way, not just flat out saying it... Which is stupid. I dunno, I should’ve just told you. If it makes you feel any better you’re the first to know. Which is how I wanted it to be, anyway.”

Harry gave a half smile, but he could tell Louis knew it wasn’t a true Harry-smile. 

“So that’s what you’re upset about?” Louis asked. “Harry...”

“I dunno,” Harry said. What was he doing?

Louis placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder. “You can always talk to me...”

“All of that talk,” Harry began, he had to put his hands up to his eyes and wipe away a few tears because he just couldn’t even begin to control his emotions by that point. “All of that talk from Eleanor about hating gay people...”

“Harry it’s just Elle. You know her, sometimes she can be a bit of a...” Louis’ eyes shook around he teetered his head a bit. 

Harry respected Louis a lot for not saying what they both thought immediately. “It’s not that it’s just I’m worried... It’s not that you’re not able to think for yourself... I just don’t want you to spend so much time with her and start thinking the same way.”

Louis laughed, “Oh, Hazz, you know I’d never think that way. Niall and Liam are two of my best mates apart from you. Even if I hated gay people they’d have changed my mind, that’s how much I care about them. Eleanor couldn’t ever make me stop loving them, they’re practically my brothers.”

Harry nodded, “Oh, I know, it’s just not about Niall and Liam so much.”

Louis cocked his head, “Do you mean Nick?”

Nick Grimshaw was “Harry’s gay friend” as most people referred to him. He was one of the most understanding lads Harry knew, one of the only other people apart from Gemma, his mum, and Caroline to know he was gay. 

“No, not Nick...” Harry said, swallowing hard.

“Harry...” Lou said, his jaw dropping a small bit.

Harry just nodded, a few tears welling up in his eyes.

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry, a few tears running down his own cheeks, as well. It wasn’t that he was particularly sad but just the mere idea of Harry being so upset or so afraid to be himself in such a big way. His best friend.

Harry patted Louis’ back, he wasn’t sure if now Louis would be uncomfortable around him, if their constant Larry Stylinson antics would dull down now. 

“Harry it’s all right,” Louis said, pulling away from a hug. He wiped his own face and smiled. “Besides, if you think I hadn’t known...” They both just laughed as they smiled and stared at each other, both of their eyes were wet and their smiles were feigning as Louis’ breath neared Harry’s face.

“Lou,” Harry’s hot breath met Louis’ lips as their mouths meshed into each other. 

Louis pulled back as his phone began to vibrate on the table.

“Hey, Elle,” Louis said and Harry felt his heart drop. His face sunk into his hands and he sighed.

“Yeah, I’ll be over after the shoot,” Lou said into the phone.


	4. Chapter Three

Louis got married to Eleanor. Just like that, everything was over. Harry was devastated but he stood up as the best man. The wedding was exactly three months after their engagement was announced, which was exactly one week after Harry found out. The three months were the most hectic Harry had ever experienced.

It just had to be before August. That was Eleanor’s rule. So it was the last week of July and Harry was exhausted. He’d heard people saying that planning a wedding in three months was almost impossible. There were easily over a hundred people at the wedding and reception, though Harry knew Louis wanted it to be a close group of people.

Eleanor looked like a princess. That was another one of those moments that made Harry want to break into tears. Eleanor looked like a princess and that was what Louis wanted, apparently, a princess. Not a prince. They didn’t talk about the kiss that they shared on the studio couch. Louis was a tad bit more distant with Harry after that.

So Harry sat alone in his bedroom back in Cheshire while his mum sat in the kitchen, frustrated that her son wouldn’t allow her to comfort him.

The devastation Harry felt was unlike any other he could imagine. There was no sinking feeling in the world that was equal, there was nothing else that caused tears to just sit behind his eyes ready to emerge at any moment.

It was all over the television, internet, everything was on about Louis and Eleanor Tomlinson. So what was Harry meant to do? Just be happy for Louis, he knew that was the answer. He tried so hard to be happy for him but there wasn’t anything he could think or say that would erase the cloud of melancholy from his mind.

Nothing Harry would ever feel could make him happy enough to live without Louis. He contemplated something even far more extreme. Life without Louis was unbearable… But what about not living at all? He had to shake himself as he remembered the pure heartache he’d cause Gemma and his mom and even Robin, his step-father.

And Louis.

Surely Louis would be sad if he took his own life, right? Or maybe he was over Harry. Over being friends with him, over thinking about him, seeing him… The same way Liam, Zayn, and Niall seemed to be over him.

Niall and Liam were into each other and that was that. They hardly ever made any time for Harry and when they saw each other it was just the standard One Direction group business. They loved him, still, they said anyway. But he didn’t feel like it.

Zayn had his new girlfriend. Enough said.

So there was Liam and Niall, and Zayn and this girl Harry barely knew, and then Louis and Danielle. So what was Harry to do?

That question he just kept asking himself. What was he meant to do? As depressing as it sounded he found almost no solace in anything.

Harry found that even in his every day life he walked around feeling completely hollow. Hollow was the best way to describe how his chest felt. He’d felt like that for as long as he could really remember. During school before X Factor he didn’t really have any friends and his mum would always sort of mention how if he’d “just do this” or “just do that” he’d probably be happier.

Depression hit Harry like a cannonball, there was nothing slow or painless about it at all. There were short moments when Harry could feel a laugh or some splash of light or happiness but just as quickly as it could arrive it would fade out.

Most people didn’t realize Harry was so gutted. He didn’t display it as much as he could. When he talked to people he’d be laughing and smiling and acting just as usual and they’d never suspect that he couldn’t feel his own heart beating, that he couldn’t feel warmth in his body or that his eyes were pools ready to burst.

“Hey, Hazz.” Louis entered Harry’s room. He closed the door behind him and studied his friend, covered in pajamas (unusual for Harry) and under the covers. 

Anne must have let him in. Harry sighed, rubbing at his eyes, but he knew it was absolutely no use. They were puffy and red and he was just a mess. He sniffled. “Hey, I’m sick…”

“You’re not,” Louis said simply. “What is it lately, mate?”

Harry sat up, “Louis…”

“It is what I thought it is…” Louis said, sitting down next to Harry on the bed. “Harry I didn’t mean to…”

“No, I know you were just trying to comfort me or something…” Harry looked down at his blanket.

Louis looked into Harry’s eyes, his own were watering and Harry could feel Louis’ own heartache weighing so much heavier on his own. “No, that’s not true. I didn’t mean that I didn’t mean to kiss you,” Louis explained, sniffling and blinking while looking up at the ceiling with a sly, Louis-like smile. “I didn’t mean to let you go, to let any of this happen, to marry Eleanor…”

This coming from Louis should have been the best thing Harry had ever heard but for some reason it only made him feel even worse. He wanted to sob yet there was an invisible force just pushing back his tears.

“Lou,” Harry mumbled.

“There’s nothing I can do, though,” Louis said with his cheeky smile and tears slipping down his face. “I mean there’s just so much more to it…”

Harry sighed, “Louis, you do…”

This question.

This question was one that Harry wanted to ask Louis for months. The question that meant everything in the world to him. One question literally could turn Harry’s world upside down, though it wasn’t exactly right-side up to begin with.

“Do you love Eleanor, Lou?”

There was a silence in the room as Louis’ lips parted but there weren’t any words to escape his lips. “I… I don’t.”

Harry looked down at his blanket, tears were free-falling now. He held his arms out for Louis, with a devastated smile forming on his face. Louis accepted, and the two sat there on Harry’s bed, crying and just holding each other because in all of the terribleness they had each other and so they could work on figuring out some way to solve it.

“I love you,” Louis muttered, breaking away from the hug. “It’s you. Not Eleanor. It always has been, Harry.”

Harry just smiled, “But Louis, I’ve always loved you, as well.” The words were more effective than any negative words, they carried a cloud of jubilance with them which overlapped any negative news. “But you’re married… To Eleanor. You have a wife.”

“I have to stay married to her for a while,” Louis said slowly. “I mean since it’sme,” he said with his usual cheeky tone. “There are more people involved than just Eleanor and I… But Harry… That doesn’t mean you and I can’t be together.”

Harry felt his heart sink. Though he really disliked Eleanor he couldn’t stand the fact that she loved Louis, might have the same feelings as he did, and she would have to face the complete devastation Harry did. “Eleanor… Lou that’d crush her.”

“She doesn’t care about me,” Louis scoffed. “All she cares about is fame. Fame and riches and designer clothing, that’s all. And all I care about is you…”

Harry and Louis spent a few moments staying silent but all they could really do is smile at each other. “So I guess we can start being together…”

“I guess so,” Louis said, his mouth curving into a tight grin.


	5. Chapter Four

“Do you reckon we’ll get away with this for a long time?” Harry was laying down on the blanket, the soft grass of the park underneath it. He popped a strawberry into his mouth and Louis sat up, placing his hand on Harry’s stomach.

“What are you on about?” Louis raised a brow. The light from the moon was surprisingly bright on that chilly evening.

Harry sighed, “Dunno, I just don’t want anything to go wrong... I know that it sound so stupid, but all I keep thinking about is ‘what if someone finds out’ and that is just a lot to worry about...”

“No, it’s not stupid,” Louis assured him. “You’re perfectly right... What if someone did find out? I mean Eleanor’s a proper witch, who knows she might even exploit it for money or fame.”

Harry furrowed his brows, narrowing his eyes on Louis. “Way to make me feel better about it, boo bear.”

Louis only rubbed his palm in Harry’s hair and then just laughed, “Don’t you worry, it’ll all be okay. I promise.”

“But don’t you think of it?” Harry further inquired. Louis was positive he saw Harry’s eyes glaze over as he stared up into the starry sky.

Louis frowned, “No, I don’t...”

“Don’t you think of how long it all can last?” Harry shrugged, “I want us to be forever... But we can’t be forever...”

“Why can’t we be forever?” Louis begged. “I’m counting the days until I can leave Eleanor, you know that. After that...”

Harry’s lips fell into sadness, “After that we’ve got to keep being a secret, don’t we?”

“Why?” Louis asked with a very serious face, it was one that Harry wasn’t entirely used to.

“I dunno,” Harry admitted.

Louis kissed Harry. He kissed his lips and as he drew back and stared into his saddened eyes he assured him, “I’ll tell the world.”

Harry’s eyes shot down to the blanket beneath them as his eyes tightened and his lips slithered into a smile. 

“When you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell,” Louis sang, a long, drawn out ballad version. The two boys erupted into laughter and Harry smacked Louis’ forearm. 

“Shut up, you idiot,” Harry chuckled.

Louis nodded, letting go of a few last laughs. “All right, but I’m honest. I’ll tell the world I’m in love with Harry Styles. And who cares? Niall and Liam are doing just fine. This is what the fans want anyway.”

“Well thank you, Louis,” Harry settled. “So we will be forever, then.”

“Of course we will,” Louis huffed. “I wouldn’t ever let you go.”

Louis’ phone vibrated on the blanket, lighting up to an intense level of brightness. He couldn’t quite read what it says but Louis snatched it up and clicked off the screen, placing it back down on the blanket. 

Harry smiled over at Louis who was just staring at the screen, his eyes were those which had just seen horror: Wide and hurting. 

“Louis,” Harry began, wondering what had gotten into him.

Louis stood up, grabbing his phone, his eyes just still staring off into nothingness. “I’m sorry, Harry, no...” He stuffed the phone into his back pocket and turned to all of the picnic things, “I have to... I can’t do this anymore...”

“But Lou you just—” Harry was unsure if he was being pranked, but the conviction in Louis’ voice was so real and haunting. 

“I know what I said,” Louis stammered. “It... It’s a dream for us, a fantasy, it just can’t happen, Harry.” 

Harry stood up, and as he approached Louis he was pushed away and Louis just stormed off, his shadow eventually fading away and Harry was left standing on the blanket, tears clouding his vision and trailing his cheeks. Wondering what had gotten into Louis, what he had seen on that screen, and wondering if that was the end.


	6. Chapter Five

“And that was the last I saw of him,” Harry frowned. He fingered the coffee mug set before him by the blonde Irishman in his maroon silk robe. 

“You act like it’s been ages,” Niall snorted, sitting down next to Liam on the couch and snuggling up under his arm.

Liam sucked his teeth, “A few hours can feel like ages when you’re in love.”

“You’re right, Li,” Niall agreed. “Harry do you reckon he’s just afraid?”

Harry shrugged. He was placed comfortably in a vintage armchair, a coffee table between him and the lovebirds on the tan West Elm couch. Liam and Niall’s flat was immaculate, just reflected Liam, really, but it was obvious Niall lived there because of the open cereal boxes or messy bathroom sink area.

“I don’t think he’s scared,” Harry said. “I can’t figure out what it is. I’m telling you he saw something on his phone, something that made him think again or something.”

Niall frowned, “I can ask him if he’s okay for you if you want me too.”

“No, you’re not gonna do that, Niall.” Liam said with a slight chuckle. “We haven’t really talked to Lou in a while either,” He told Harry with sadness marking his face. 

“Ask Eleanor,” Niall suggested, taking a sip of his coffee. “Have you had breakfast?” Niall stood, “I had some cereal but I really want some bacon and eggs or somethin...”

“I’m all right,” Harry managed. “Thanks, Niall. And I can’t really ask Eleanor... She hates my guts. And you can’t ask Louis, promise? He can’t know I told you guys.”

Niall nodded, “All right. Sure you don’t want any food?” As Harry confirmed with a bob of his head, Niall simply shrugged, “Suit yourself.” He disappeared into the kitchen, hidden by a single wall between the sitting room and the kitchen.

“I wish I had some better advice for you, Harry,” Liam said. He was dressed simply in light blue pajamas, flannel, his hair was as messy as it ever was. Harry was eager to see his friends, and since Zayn wasn’t answering his phone it ended up being just the three of them.

Harry felt his eyes sink and there were the tears again. “I know, it’s okay, Liam. I just appreciate that you’re still here for me.”

“Of course I am, Harry!” Liam’s lips were curved into a tight frown and his own eyes were watery. “Harry, you’re one of my best mates. I won’t say the best to keep things even with the other guys, and I mean, let’s be honest, apart from Nialler over there, you’re my favorite, ya old lug.”

Harry wiped his tears away and laughed, “Oh, thanks, Liam. I’d say the same for you. So what do you think, Doctor Payne? Final theory.”

“I think he’s going to come round,” Liam said confidently. “Whatever is bothering him isn’t constant. D’you know what I mean?”

Harry stiffened up, “Not constant? I’m not sure what you mean, actually.”

Liam tapped at his chin, his face screwing up into his usual thinking expression. “Well it’s a bit like whatever it is, it’s not always there... It just came up on his phone and reminded him... But he loves you, I mean I could’ve told you that a long time ago you dolt, but anyway, he won’t forget about his feelings for you... Whatever bothered him, he’d forgotten about it. So there’s hope that it’s temporary, and that it’ll pass.”

“What could it be?” Harry inquired, trying to follow Liam’s logic. Liam was always the smartest one, really.

“I dunno,” Liam sighed. “Maybe, like, Lottie texted him! That could be it, couldn’t it?”

Harry rubbed his forehead, “You’ve lost me again!”

“Okay, you said the two of you were discussing coming out? Right?” Harry nodded and Liam continued, “Maybe Lottie, or his mum or something, someone sent him a text and he saw their name and he sort of connected the conversation to their name and thought about coming out to them and just got scared, then he ran. See what I mean?”

Harry nodded, his eyes wide as if he’d just learned something utterly profound. “Liam, that’s proper brilliant. I’d bet you that was it, too. I mean he talked about coming out with such confidence. That makes a lot of sense, really, he’s just not as comfortable with it as he makes it seem. I’ll text him and ask him to meet me at my flat...”

“I thought you weren’t talking at the moment, though?” Liam pressed.

“No, well I haven’t tried to contact him since he stormed off... Figured he needed his space.” Harry admitted. “But maybe I can let him know I’m always going to be there for him, that I’m always here... Whether it’s his fear of coming out or something else...”

Liam nodded, standing up after Harry did, “Good idea. It’s quite early...” Liam watched Harry jam away at his phone. “You sure he’s even up?”

The little electronic beeping from Harry’s phone caused his face to light up with a smile, which Liam was happy to see. “He’s up!” Harry squeaked. “He says he’ll meet me there in a half hour! Brilliant!”

“You think you can make it?” Liam looked over at a large vintage clock hanging above the television. “You’d better get going, actually!”

“I know!” Harry said, he ran over to the foyer, passing the kitchen. His cream coat was hanging on an elegant coat rack. Liam and Niall both followed him to the front door.

“I’m glad you’re going to sort it all out,” Liam gushed, “Call me after he leaves...”

“If he does,” Niall said with an immature snort. He laughed and then turned between Harry and Liam, “So wait we’re talking about Lou, right?”

Harry nodded, “I’m about to meet him less than an hour!”

“Oh, well good luck! Get some!” Niall whistled and rushed over to Harry, giving him a big bear hug. “I’ve got bacon on the stove, I got to go and tend to that.” 

As Niall hurried back to the kitchen Liam’s eyes bulged from his eyes, “Oh, shit,” He mumbled, hurrying over to Harry and hugging him before pulling open the front door. “I didn’t realize he was going to use the stove for the bacon I thought he’d microwave, shit, he always sets the alarm off... Good luck, Harry, call me as soon as you can, all right?”

The door was shut and Harry was out in the hallway of the complex as he pictured Liam running in to find Niall looking like a deer in the headlights with the stove smoking.

 

Harry was absolutely delighted to see a bright eyed Louis sitting outside of the bench in front of his flat. A white 18th century town house, Louis was wearing bright red pants and a navy blue coat. Harry wanted to laugh just because he felt as if it’d been too long since he’d seen Louis in his signature red pants.

“Oh, you must be chilly,” Harry said, digging his hands into his coat pockets and pulling out a key. “Let’s get on inside, then.”

“No, Harry,” Louis misty eyes met Harry’s as he stood and held Harry by his arm. There they stood, freezing in the November chill. It’d been a few months since the wedding, a couple since Harry heard Louis said he loved him, and there was something colder between them than the weather. “I’m not coming in...”

Harry shook his head slowly, his eyes fixed on Louis’. “What is going on, Lou?”

“We have to end it, really,” Louis mumbled, tears stagnant on his waterline. 

“You seemed to be over this when you were texting me a few minutes ago,” Harry blurted out. He exhaled a long, tragic breath. “Louis, that’s why I wanted to meet you. Whatever it is, something is bothering you. And I’m going to be here, I always will. I want you to know that. We don’t have to end it, I promise.”

Louis rubbed his gloved hand against his cheek and looked up at the sky, sniffling as more tears slid down his face. “Harry, we have to. I can’t see you anymore, I can’t hurt you, I can’t cause you pain.”

“You’re doing that now, Lou,” Harry said, trying not to start crying along with Louis. “Is that it, then? You’re just scared to hurt me? You won’t, Louis, you make me happy!”

“Harry, please.” Louis whimpered. He was sobbing, Harry pulled him in for a hug and after Louis cried into Harry’s shoulder for a few moments he drew back. 

“You have to tell me what’s wrong,” Harry mumbled, he felt heavy and empty at the same time, seeing Louis in such a state was something he had never wanted.

Louis just held his hand up to his eyes, wiping away tears and grimacing, he looked to Harry. “Harry, I’m sick.”

“Oh, well let’s get you out from the cold, then!” Harry cried, grabbing Louis’ arm but he only shrugged him off.

“No, Harry,” Louis sniveled. “I’m sick but I’m not going to get better.”

Harry stood there, motionless as everything around him froze and only Louis’ shaking lips were visible to him. “Wh-wh—”

“Harry, I have Leukemia.” Louis sobbed.


	7. Chapter Six

Entry 1: I bought this journal to record my time with Lou... I wish I didn’t have to. Maybe one day I’ll write a book.

That day Louis told me was the first day I’ve ever felt a storm attack me while I was standing alone and defenseless. 

Louis and I spent the rest of the day in each others’ arms. It was the most unforgettable day we’d spent together. There was a sense of loneliness between us even though we were both present. I could feel his heartbeat and kiss his lips but it was like the beating was in my own mind, like the kiss was of imagination.

We talked about everything. Nothing went without addressing. We told each other about loneliness, though it seemed we both knew just enough about it. I didn’t ever realize how he felt. That he was just like me. Feeling the type of hollow chest, the emptiness even when ‘happiness’ is evident. The feeling where a laugh bubbles at the surface along with a smile but underneath there’s still a gnawing pain which will just never cease. 

 

So though we found that those feelings should be gone, I realized just why they could never be. There was not a future for Louis and I. The most tragic of love stories, one that started much too late. I’m determined to make the best of it... The time we have left together will be well spent. – H .xx

 

“What are you doing?” Louis laughed, waking up. He was leaving Harry’s room, dressed in his pajamas and looking quite sleepy. His eyes were visibly scarred from the tears that surfaced previously.

Harry looked up from the counter top. He giggled to Louis, patting the big white chef’s hat which sat atop his puffy curly hair. Harry sauntered around the kitchen, opening a cabinet and pulling down a large white bowl. “Making cookies.”

“Cookies?” Louis asked, his lips turned into a crooked smile.

“I was to make pancakes,” Harry admitted smugly. “I don’t have the proper mix. So I’m making cookies instead. But maybe I could turn the cookie mix into pancakes, would you rather that?”

Louis frowned, “No, course not. Cookies are fine. Need any help, Chef Styles?”

Harry smiled, “Oh, yes!” He turned to the cookbook on the island, humming as he ran his finger down the page and then pointed it at Louis. “Oh yes, oh yes. Eggs! Can you crack them into the bowl?”

“Of course!” Louis warmly accepted. “How should I go about it, Chef Styles? And how many?”

“The normal way,” Harry said, wrinkling up his face and donning a French accent. “I say we use zee eggs... Oh, how about we use zees many!” He held up three fingers.

Louis folded his arms, “How many does the recipe call for?”

“Two,” Harry held his hand to his hip. “However, they always say to use one too many or one too little because they’re not telling you the whole truth.”

“They’re not?” Louis seemed shocked.

Harry nodded playfully, “They have to keep their secrets. The secrets that lead to the perfect recipe. So they just tell you how to make it all right but not perfect. It’s screwed up but I’ve learned.”

“Put on some songs,” Louis said as he walked past Harry in his red silk robe and opened the refrigerator.

Harry nodded, “Your iPhone is right here, I’ll plug it in, yeah?”

Louis agreed. “Sure thing!”

As Harry plugged in the iPhone and pressed play on the iHome remote he cocked his head, “What’s this?” He asked as a slow strumming of a guitar commenced.

“Oh, it’s not really dancing music,” Louis’ face turned red. “Change it,” he laughed.

Harry shook his head, “It sounds pretty.”

Louis laughed, “It’s American Country music... Miranda Lambert, I heard it on a Spotify playlist and it’s become my new favorite.”

“What’s it called?” Harry inquired as he made his way to the iHome and tapped the screen, lighting it up. “Over You,” Harry mumbled. “Hmm, it sounds quite nice. Sounds like it’ll be sad.”

Louis nodded, “It is sad, really. It’s about her husband’s brother passing away...”

“Changing it,” Harry announced, clicking it to the next song, and finding joy in the fact that it was upbeat and more fun to cook to.

“Give it a listen later, yeah? It’s one of the best songs I’ve heard.” Louis encouraged as he tapped the eggs lightly against the bowl. His face lit up a little as Harry nodded and kissed him. The two boys danced and laughed as they put the ingredients together to make a bowl of delicious chocolate cookie mix.

 

“I think it was actually the eggs,” Louis joked, tossing the burnt cookies into the trash bin. He slowly set the crisped cookie sheet into the sink and poked at Harry’s stomach. He was sitting on the counter with a joking frown. “I’m only kidding.”

Harry laughed, pulling Louis in for a kiss. “I just don’t think we’re set for cooking.”

“We should’ve called Niall,” Louis added, he shrugged. “It was fun anyway, just too bad we didn’t get to eat any of it.”

“What now?” Harry said, nodding in agreement. “I guess we could watch a movie or something.”

Louis shrugged, “Titanic?”

“My favorite,” Harry muttered. His face lit up. “Though I’m in the mood for an upbeat one, is that okay? How about Pride and Prejudice?”

“Oh, fine,” Louis moaned. “Just go ahead and tuck me in before you set it on, all right?”

“You prick,” Harry snorted. “What shall we watch, then? Harry Potter?”

Harry was delighted to see Louis’ face brighten. “Sure, that sounds better.” They kissed again and Louis helped Harry down from the counter.

“Deathly Hallows Part 2,” Harry insisted, crossing from the kitchen to the living room and tugging on Louis by his hand. “I love that one best, apart from Half Blood Prince but I don’t like when Ron and Hermione fight. Stupid Lavender.”

“Such a romantic,” Louis cooed, kissing Harry yet again. They both were thankful that they could kiss whenever they wanted to and as many times as they wanted to. There wasn’t time to let it sink in that their kisses were, actually, numbered.

 

I was happy to spend the day with Louis, watching some of our favorite movies. I just hope everything stays this way for a long time. Who knows, maybe he’ll be cured. – H .xx


	8. Chapter Seven

Harry kept his composure all the way up the elevator. The hospital was cold and isolated, even in broad daylight he felt like he was entering the hospital in the Grudge 2. People bustled around him in the elevator but he could only keep his misty gaze fixed on the vertical line between the doors. As they finally split apart Harry waited for the elderly old woman and her family to exit and then he watched them close one more time.

Alone in the elevator Harry heard his own heart beating rapidly against his chest. He heard the clicking of the heels of his trainers against the ground as he stepped from the elevator and onto the fifth floor. This was the floor he was looking for: Nobody was there. Just a small nurse behind the desk.

The ten steps from the elevator to the desk were long and dreadful, Harry felt as though he could concentrate on the pull of each muscle as he lifted foot after foot and ended up in her kind eyes. 

“How may I help you?”

Harry felt a tennis ball rise from his stomach to his throat. He inhaled and his lips fell apart, “I’m here to see Louis Tomlinson.” There was nothing that he could think or say that calmed him, it was the worst situation he could imagine. He didn’t want to think about it and it was all he wanted to think about.

As the nurse spoke into a telephone Harry played it all back in his head. As he was sitting on the couch of his flat, wandering around the internet. It was his first day off in a week, the first day off he’d had since the day he spent with Louis. 

Harry’s finger trailed the pad of the HP laptop perched on the elm table and then he felt a sturdy vibration shake the wood and travel against the computer and through his finger. He glanced over to his phone and picked it up, nothing unusual. Though he was a bit confused as he saw who was on the other end: Eleanor Calder. 

“Eleanor?” Harry’s first instinct was worry, he was terrified that something had happened to Louis. 

Eleanor’s voice was sharp as always, though she was shaking the phone or her voice was trembling too much because Harry had to beg her pardon a few times, though he was sure that he understood. 

“Louis,” Eleanor whimpered. “He fell.”

And Harry couldn’t remember the rest of the conversation. He could not remember the moments after as he gathered his things and hurried up to the hospital nearly twenty minutes from him. But there he was.

“Right that way,” The nurse pointed, pressing a button behind her desk and instructing him to walk down the hallway that was now appearing behind automatic opening doors. “Room 413.”

Harry nodded, he wanted to run. He remained as calm as he could, but as he saw Eleanor pacing back and forth in the hallway he felt his heart sink. “Is he all right?” Harry asked, running up to see her.

Eleanor shrugged, rolling her eyes, “I can’t do this. I didn’t sign up for all of this. How do you think this makes me feel, Harry?”

“Okay,” Harry said through gritted teeth. “I’m going in to see him. Thanks for calling me, Eleanor.”

Eleanor held her hand up to her forehead and inhaled and exhaled. “Harry...” 

Harry turned back to see her: He was already set off further down the hallway to see Louis.

“I do care about him.” She muttered. “How am I not to? But you must understand...”

“I do,” Harry said.

“No, you can’t...” Eleanor moaned. “I care about him so much. I even loved him, do you remember that? But it’s always been you, Harry. At first everyone thought it was some joke and I was just the butt. It’s just been you, for as long as Louis had known you. I’m nothing more to him than a pawn, you’re the king.”

Harry held out his arms for Eleanor, who was beginning to cry. They hugged for a few moments and Eleanor broke apart. “I don’t want to be the reason for his unhappiness. I know he thinks the worst of me. I know he hates me. Before I knew about his sickness... It was harder to cope. Being spiteful was so easy... As awful as that sounds.”

Eleanor wiped away her tears, “Anyway I just want you two to be happy. I’ve wanted that for a very long time. And now...” Her lips shook along with her eyes as more tears built up. “Please just be there for him. Keep him happy for as long as you can.”

Harry nodded, trying to keep from crying. “I’m going to, of course. Of course I will... Of course.” He hugged Eleanor one last time and then just before they began to walk separate ways he spoke up: “Eleanor?”

“Hmm?”

“You said... Before you knew? How long have you known about it?” Harry asked.

Eleanor sighed, “Far too long.”

Harry nodded, feeling stones fall inside of him, his heart growing heavier and heavier. He waved to her and gave a final smile.

“Boo bear,” Harry sang, cracking open the door and peaking his head in.

Louis was propped up with tubes sticking out of his arms, a white and green hospital gown draped over his torso and a blanket covering the rest of him. He looked weak, sad, but as he saw Harry his eyes lit up and he smiled just as big as he ever had.

“Hazza,” Louis muttered quietly. He clicked down the volume on the television, his hands shaking around the remote. “You came to see me? I didn’t want you to see me like this...”

 

Harry kissed Louis before he pulled up one of the guest chairs and sat beside him, taking his hand into his own. “Eleanor called.”

“Oh,” Louis sneered.

“No, no,” Harry whispered, shaking his head. “She’s not as bad as you think. Just misunderstood, I reckon. She wants you to be happy, you know. She wants us both to.”

Louis shrugged, “Funny way of showing it.”

Harry nodded, “Things are just complicated, huh?”

“Complicated,” Louis echoed. “That’s a start.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Harry wanted to ask him what happened but he didn’t see the urgency in that, Louis was resting. But there was a weight that was overbearing on one question, a question he couldn’t stop himself from asking:

“How long have you known?” Harry breathed.

Louis tilted his head slowly, “Harry...”

“Please tell me?” Harry asked. 

“Since the day before the Kid’s Choice Awards in 2012,” Louis surrendered. “I only just stopped responding to treatments. Please don’t be mad I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to burden you with it, I didn’t want you to treat me differently. I thought they’d cure it. Please don’t be mad...”

Harry only wiped away a tear before placing his hand back on Louis’ and smiling. “I could never be mad at you, Lou. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Louis said.

“When do you get out of here?” Harry asked.

Louis sighed, “A day or two.”

There was silence once more. Louis was breathing quite slowly and he had dried tears stained on his face as he spoke. “Do you remember at the judge’s house? When we put those stink bombs in the little pots?”

“Where the plants were?” Harry laughed. “Of course I remember. And then you left one in your cosmetic bag under the sink and so we said Niall stunk up the loo!”

The two of them laughed together, both on the absolute verge of tears.

“And I remember, the first time I ever saw you,” Louis managed. “You were standing up in your little hoodie and I thought you looked quite funny. And then it was the best when we were all grouped together. The happiest moment of my life. And then SNL and the KCA’s and Madison Square Garden. Oh, what I’d do to play Madison Square Garden one last time. You have to promise you’ll play it again, okay? And you have to dedicate a song to me or something.”

Harry shook his head, “Stop, Louis. Stop it, don’t talk like that.”

“It’s what I want,” Louis persisted. He was holding tears back and Harry let a few slide away. 

“Remember our first album hitting number one in America? And we all almost tipped over the tour bus when we found out!” Louis smiled and so did Harry. “Remember when we recorded Forever Young? And we had to keep redoing it because we kept tickling each other? They were so mad and then Niall and Liam disappeared off somewhere... We should have known.”

Harry smiled. “I remember that. That’s one of my favorites, I think.”

“Forever Young?” Louis asked. Harry nodded. “Me too,” Louis agreed. “I wish we could be forever young.”


	9. Chapter Eight

Harry stared at the cloth down at Louis’ shaking feet. The walls seemed to pound, throb, as if there were more life within them than with the fragile being next to him.

“Need something to drink?” Harry offered. 

Louis shook his head, “No.”

Harry was frustrated. Lately it had been like this. Louis was quiet, abashed. Harry knew he loved him, and that kept him sane. Louis finally placed his hand on Harry’s thigh. “I have one request.”

Harry furrowed his brow, “What is it? Anything.”

Louis seemed to gulp, or he seemed to try. “I don’t think I’m going to get too much better...” Louis’ voice shook. “But before I get much worse...”

“What?” Harry managed, trying to keep control of his emotions. 

“I want you to marry me.” Louis announced, his lips were smiling his typical Louis smile, and Harry wanted to break down into tears but he only smiled back at Louis and nodded. 

“Lou,” He said slowly.

“I know.” Louis said. “I know there’s a lot to it. I know that. I want this. It’s my... Last wish. I really hope you want it too.”

Harry sat up straighter, pulling the covers off of him and handing Louis the remote. He rushed over to the coffee table by the window. His loft was practically Louis’. It was big enough for them both, anyway. He picked up his cell phone and contemplated which number to call first, though it was truly quite easy. 

“Liam,” Harry breathed. “I need you to come over. I need you and Niall, and Zayn, too, and Eleanor. Can you be over within the hour?”

Harry hung up the phone, grateful as he had ever been, and he turned back to see Louis had fallen asleep. Since he’d been so sick he fell asleep all the time. This time was different, though. His eyes were gently closed but a smile was still marked on his face.

 

Eleanor was sitting with her legs crossed, baggy sweatpants and a makeup-less frown. She was scrolling furiously through her phone, though for a different purpose than usual. “Found one!”

Liam rushed over from the loveseat and sat down next to her. “Brilliant!” He agreed, sharing a large grin with her. “Honestly, you’re great.”

“Thanks, Liam,” Eleanor nodded, “It’s really nice to hear you say that.”

“Reckon you’ve deserved it more than you’ve heard it,” Liam acknowledged.

Zayn and Niall both pulled their phones from their pockets as they buzzed. 

“I’ve got a caterer,” Niall announced.

Zayn’s face brightened up, “And I’ve got a photographer!”

Paul clicked on something on the laptop, “I have a venue!”

Harry’s eyes grew moist and he just grinned, “You guys are the best. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Liam nodded, “It’d be rough.” He laughed and leapt up, hugging Harry and then frowning. “So not to be a Debbie downer, but isn’t there still one small thing?”

Harry nodded very slowly. The phone call to Louis’ parents was dreaded. Though as it actually happened, it was only understanding and patient, loving, accepting. They were still in Doncaster with the girls. They didn’t realize Louis had stopped responding to treatments. He hadn’t told them. Harry didn’t want to think about it. Did he want to just pass without telling anyone? Would he have?

They were all going to be there for the wedding, which was to occur in five days. That was even faster than the wedding they planned for Eleanor and Louis, though it was seemingly more extravagant. Harry knew Louis like the back of his hand and he knew just what he would want. 

The press would inevitably show up. Or some sort of fan group would stalk their way there some way or another. Harry didn’t care. He hated to think of it in any negative fashion but Louis only had so much time left and if there was a final wish that Harry could grant, damn it, he would. He was simply glad that there was a recent passing of the same-sex marriage allowance. It was alarmingly recently, prompting Harry to wonder if that was why Louis had thought of it. Their love was so official in Harry’s mind that such a thing never occurred to him, though it made sense.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The strolling green grass of the gardens was expansive, covering far more land than Harry had expected. Liam comforted Harry, along with Anne and Robin and Gemma, they all sat in the luxurious palace room where Harry was finally suited in his tuxedo. 

Louis was in good hands, his family and Zayn and Niall, who were just as well. Harry couldn’t wait to see him. There was no more nerve-wracking thing. Harry could remember playing large venues, nerves creeping down his stomach, though none equaled to the butterflies he experienced waiting for the wedding to commence.

Harry felt tacky doing so, but he requested the piano player to play that stupid country song Louis was so in love with. A simple, slow version. Just until they’d walk down the aisles. Just until the traditional music would play.

It felt like forever but Harry finally found himself at one end of the garden, surrounded by large bushes. He was dressed in a simple black tux, and as the music began to play he saw Louis across the garden also dressed in a black tuxedo. They both walked slowly, the traditional wedding tune echoing from the piano. All of their friends and family were sat in the adorable white chairs which made up two clusters in the gardens. Harry’s arm was on Anne’s and Louis’ on Jay’s. They walked with pride, with eagerness, with sorrow, and with grace until finally Louis and Harry were standing face to face, with Paul behind them, bible in hand, and Liam, Zayn, and Niall standing up as best men.

Everyone who had ever meant anything to Harry or Louis was there. Everyone dropped everything. It was the most beautiful thing Harry had ever seen, and he could tell by Louis’ face, though his eyes were tired and he wore deep circles beneath them, though his lips were barely able to fully laugh or smile anymore, though his skin was lacking its usual color, Harry knew Louis was as happy as he could be.

As Paul finally let Harry recite his vows, he bit back every tear he could, crumpling up the piece of paper where he’d written them and stuffing it into his pocket. He took Louis’ hands and looked into his eyes.

“Louis Tomlinson. Lou. You mean everything to me. You’re my light, the stars in the sky, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. You have helped me through the worst times and shown me the best times. Everyone in One Direction means a special something to me. Niall keeps me laughing, Zayn keeps me stylish, Liam keeps me sane, but you... You keep me breathing. You keep my heart beating, you keep me smiling and you keep me being Harry.”

Louis was crying, and Harry had to try and ignore that fact, or else he’d never finish. “I owe everything to you. My happiness, it’s because of you. And I want you to know that I’ll never leave you, I’ll never hurt you, I’ll always be there to help you. Through sickness and health. Today doesn’t really start that, though. I’d say that started ages ago. I’ve loved you for so long that making you happy is second nature to me. Making you happy is more important to me than making myself happy, really, because I’ve learned my happiness is something of a byproduct of your happiness. When I see your face light up and smile, and when I hear your voice crack a joke and follow it with a Tomlinson laugh, it makes my heart melt.”

Harry was going to cry, so he reverted to a small bit of humor. “You light up my world like nobody else.” The guests all laughed and even Louis huffed a slight laugh. “With all of that corniness, I just... I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to. I know how you feel. You show me all the time. And for that I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful that you love me as much as I love you and we finally can just be proud of it, share it, live happily. So will you? Will you, Louis, live happily with me? Do you take me as your husband?”

Louis grinned. Through his fatigue and physical boundaries he smiled larger than he had any other day for a while. “I do.”

Paul wiped away at his face, “You two may share a kiss.”

As Louis and Harry embraced and let their lips meet, the guests all clapped and cheered. Niall and Liam squeezed each other’s hand and Zayn had to wipe furiously at his cheeks as he smiled. Not a dry eye in the garden.

“Thank you, Harry.” Louis managed, very slowly, through slow breaths as they broke apart from their kiss.

Harry beamed, “Anything for you, Lou. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Hazz.”


	10. Chapter Nine

“My swagmasta from Doncasta,” Harry sniffed, trying to keep his composure as he sat down in a chair next to Louis. The hospital was cold as ever, the beating of Harry’s heart might have stopped—He wouldn’t have known the difference in the hollowness. Harry was only able to carry on because he knew he had to in order for Louis to stay even remotely happy.

Louis was lying in the hospital bed, his eyes tired and fading. He smiled weakly, “My Cheshire Cat.”

Harry laughed through a few tears and nodded, “I’ll always be your Cheshire Cat, Lou.” The two sat quietly, just gazing into each other’s eyes and silently reliving the memories of each other that were the best.

 

“Harry,” Louis began, his voice shaking.

“What?” Harry asked, keeping his demeanor as soft as possible even though he was absolutely devastated and confused.

Louis shrugged, though it was so weak and feeble that it was hardly a proper shrug at all. A tear sank down his cheek, “I’m sorry,” He said.

Harry stiffened up in his seat, “What are you talking about?”

“I’m so sorry about all of this. I shouldn’t have ever brought you into this,” Louis whimpered. “You’re not supposed to hurt people if you love them and I can tell I’m killing you.”

“Louis stop,” Harry said, shaking his head ever so slowly. “You can’t apologize, you shouldn’t. You didn’t bring me into anything, and you’re not killing me. I love you, you know that, and I want to be here for you just like you would be with me.”

“I just feel you deserve more. Someone better...”

“Not true,” Harry said. “And who is better than you, Louis Tomlinson?”

Louis gave another fragile shrug, more tears welling up. “Someone who isn’t sick. Someone you can have a life with, someone you can have a family with...”

Harry frowned, “You have given me everything I’ve ever needed or wanted Louis.”

Louis bit his lip, “Oh, Hazz.”

“I promise, Louis. I promise you. You’ve made me happier than anyone ever has before.” Harry smiled, though his face was wet with tears. “I love you more than anything, Lou.” Harry held up his right hand for Louis to see, curling all of his fingers and sticking out his thumb: A thumbs up.

Louis grinned as he wept. He held up a thumbs up. “I love you, too, Hazz.” 

The thumbs up, Harry and Louis invented it to say that they loved each other, though they meant it in a more brotherly way before then. They’d use it during concerts, signings, anything. A thumbs up meant ‘I love you’ and now it meant it more than ever.

Harry stood up and pressed his thumb to Louis, feeling the shaking of Louis’ hand as he was becoming too weak to hold his thumb up anymore. He set his lips to Louis’ and as they shared a kiss Harry could only hope that the fading of Louis’ strength, the diminishing of his ability to show their secret signal, he could only hope that didn’t symbolize the end of the meaning behind it.

 

Entry 13: I shared my last kiss with you today. You left me, though I don’t believe I’m alone. I can’t be. You would never leave me all alone. And I’m not alone anyway, I’ve got the boys. And you have heaven. I know you do. If anyone is good enough, kind enough, to deserve heaven, it’s you. 

You were so young, why did you have to go? I don’t know what to do with myself.

I want to be with you, I want to leave, too, but I can’t. 

I don’t know how you can be something I miss, I don’t know how to miss you or not dial your number on my phone or not expect to see your smiling face. I don’t know what to do.

I wish I could see you again. I wish I could just have one last conversation with you, make sure you knew just how much I love you, not just the same old words over and over again. I wish you were never sick. I really hope you’re proud of me. I hope I can make you proud. I hope it’s nice where you are.

I hope the sun shines where you are, Louis. I hope you can enjoy your time away from me while we wait to be together. I hope you don’t forget me. I’ll never forget you Louis.

If I see a striped t-shirt I’ll think of you. A carrot, even though you hated that. I miss you so much, Louis. How I’ll go on, I don’t know, but I know you’ll be with me.

Love always, your Cheshire Cat.

-– H .xx


	11. Chapter Ten

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Harry couldn’t find any other words. Louis was twenty-one years old when he passed away. They never got to share a Christmas together as a married couple. Harry was nineteen. Louis died only two weeks before he would have been twenty-two. 

Now Harry was twenty-four.

One Direction ended a month or so after Louis passed. That was it. There just wasn’t a band anymore. There were friends. Niall and Liam, still very happily together, Zayn who was dating around a bit, and Harry, who could never quite get over Louis.

There were moments, moments when Harry’s stomach would lurch before him as he’d reach for a door and in some act of terrible torture his mind would let him hope that Louis would be behind it. Louis was never behind any doors that Harry opened. Louis was never there to hold Harry when he cried himself to sleep. 

Most importantly, Louis was never there to see Harry when he was actually smiling and enjoying his life. Those moments when Harry was happiest, Louis wasn’t there to enjoy.

Harry could never hope to get over Louis, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to forget the only person who ever helped him to feel like a whole human being. There was never a moment where he wished that anything did or didn’t happen, he never wished Louis back after a few weeks because he realized that everything that happened with Louis happened for a reason.

Every happy memory with Louis, Harry felt lucky to have had.

“It’s been a while I doubt anyone will even be here.” Harry muttered.

Liam frowned, “You don’t really think that?”

“Haven’t you been checking your phone?” Zayn pointed to his round device. “Fans have camped out for this, Harry.”

Harry only stared out at the stage from the side wing. He could only concentrate on a large banner sweeping across the backdrop. “In Loving Memory of Louis Tomlinson: 1991-2012”. There was nothing that would help Harry to feel anything but pain when he read that, but then he hoped that seeing the fans who showed up for the benefit would maybe just numb the pain, help him to realize that Louis might be gone physically but he’d never really be gone.

Niall Horan finally emerged from his dressing room and the four boys huddled backstage as the venue kept filling with guests.

“Can’t believe we’re playing here again.” Harry mumbled. “I only...”

Niall frowned, “Me too.”

“Me too,” Liam whispered.

Zayn nodded, “I wish he were here too.”

The boys all just looked down at their feet and Harry was ready to shed tears as Niall was dressed simply in his signature red polo and khakis. Liam sported a plaid button down and khakis and Zayn wore jeans and a varsity jacket. Harry pulled on the sleeves of his blazer.

“It’s just like old times.” Harry frowned. “I know I talk about it so much... I just wish we had the stripes, too.”

“We all do, mate,” Niall breathed. “We all do.”

Liam and Zayn only nodded silently, clutching the microphones in their hands.

The boys were on stage before they knew it. The first song that they sang was What Makes You Beautiful and Harry knew in rehearsal that it felt completely wrong, but performing in front of a full venue, Madison Square Garden, it was just not the same.

He could remember their elation when they first booked it. And then they had scheduling conflicts and had to move the planned-for-December show to summer, which almost interfered with Louis’ and Eleanor’s wedding. It was the happiest the boys had ever been, the show was the best it ever was. 

Liam, Zayn, and Niall continued to perform as though nothing was really wrong, and Harry knew they were just sticking to the old rules of satisfying the paying fans, giving them a good show. It was as Harry looked out into the crowd and saw the fans that he began to fade in and out. 

They played through a few more songs from Up All Night, a few X Factor songs, which were greatly appreciated by the fans. Finally, after Torn, Harry knew that the night was about to change even more drastically. His emotions would overcome him and he’d be a mess, or he’d be able to keep control of himself and make Louis proud.

The boys had each sat down on a stool before they performed Torn. Harry stood from his stool and saw the lights shining down on him. They had been shining down on him the whole time, but just at that moment as the guitar started to play in the background and he saw Niall strumming, he felt the lights on him, judging him, heavier than they had been before.

The crowd was silent. He could see some girls in the front row, they were easily as old as he was, old Directioners, they were crying and wearing t-shirts that were too small. Obviously from when they were teenagers. They were just sobbing. 

“Weatherman said, it’s gonna snow. By now I should,” Harry almost choked on his words. No, he reminded himself, I have to do this. “Be used to the cold.”

Niall carefully hid the tears on his face as he kept his head down in the background and picked away at the strings. The crowd clapped a little. Harry and Niall can remember when they first played this venue, it was the happiest moment of their lives to that point: Madison Square Garden.

“Mid February shouldn’t be so scary, it was only December I still remember,” Harry’s heart was gone, or it was just numb. He couldn’t feel it anymore because of the pain. How could he anyway? “The presents, the tree...”

Harry felt hot tears streaming down his face. “You... And me.” 

He clutched his stomach, feeling the distinctive fabric of the blazer he hadn’t worn in five years. Twenty four years old, standing on the stage he had to blink up at the ceiling and remind himself that it was all okay. 

“But you went away, how dare you, I miss you.” Harry was fighting with everything he had to just sing the words. “They say I’ll be okay, but I’m not going to ever get over you.”

Liam and Zayn echoed a few hums and as Harry sang the song he and the audience and the other three boys on stage were crying. Because One Direction was finished. It was over. The boys would probably never play together again. There would be no more. Louis was gone. It was the most painful slew of emotions any person could imagine, and in its own sick way it resembled Louis’ death all over again. The ending of a chapter, especially for Harry—Harry had explained the significance of the song but only he knew the exact feeling Louis seemed to have about it, only he knew it finitely. 

The boys finished their last show with the song that meant the very most to all of them. A song Harry remembered was Louis’ favorite. Forever Young. 

“Forever Young, I wanna be, Forever Young. Do you really wanna live forever? Forever Young.” The music faded out and the fans clapped and cheered and tears must’ve been falling a million miles per minute. Harry only waved and smiled out through incredibly foggy, teary eyes, yelling out his thanks to the fans over his microphone.

After the lights faded that night and the show was over, Harry knew his life wasn’t. He was embarking on a new chapter. A new chapter in his life that would never forget the love of his life, Louis Tomlinson. A new chapter in his life that might not have included One Direction, but his best friends, Niall, Liam, and Zayn.


	12. Epilogue

The words on the grave were as clear and distinct as they were the day it was created.

Harry sighed to himself, realizing that though fifty years had passed, he still loved Louis just as much.

People told him they'd move on, tried to fix him up with other people. There wasn't any use. Harry was happy. He was happy in his own way.

Alone.

Because nobody seemed to really understand that Louis was irreplaceable. That the love Louis had with Harry was not anything to ever be forgotten.

Harry examined his hand. Now so gray and lifeless. He looked at each wrinkle of his skin and finally curled his fingers back into a thumbs up.

One last final time, Harry decided. He wouldn't come back. He needed to rest and so did Louis.

He pressed his thumb and knuckles to Louis' name.

 

"I love you, Lou." Harry shook.

 

Harry was found the next morning by his nurse. He went peacefully. He was happier.

They found a picture of Harry and Louis under his pillow. Louis was laughing, riding piggy back on Harry. Their faces both etched with joy, utter happiness.

There, on the back of the photograph, Harry had hand written a note. Signed and dated the day Louis passed away fifty years ago.

"I'm not going to ever get over you."


End file.
